2015, try 15..ish
I have tried many times now to write this blog, and I end up deleting it. I have to wonder if there is a part of me I am not being honest with. A part of me I should be sharing with all of you, fear holding me back.
I can tell you this, if you had told me on February 27, 2014 I would be sitting here the person I am at this very instant, I would not have believed you. I would have felt fear, grief, maybe some confused joy. Things I don’t feel now, in this space at all.
in 2014, I was not single, at least not for part of it. It was wonderful, and real, and I have not a single regret, and a beautiful friend for it. I sit here very single. Is it hard? Well…that’s almost a loaded question. The simple answer, from most people would be “Yes.”. I’m not simple, and I am not most people.
Sometimes it can be difficult, but as most of you who read this blog know, I am very much a loner. I do not say an introvert, because those two things are not mutually exclusive. You can be introverted and need far more human interaction than I do. I enjoy the company of just myself and my cats as much as I do the company of my close friends. So is it difficult. Sometimes. Like anyone I can get lonely. No matter how much of a “Hermit” you are, you are still human. So that was the long answer. Yes, it is hard. I miss what we had, but I know that we parted when it was right, and what we had was right. That’s what I need to know.
One final word on that. I think, for now; I meant to be single. I have many things to learn. A lot of things to deal with. I need to learn to love myself, to take care of all things self, nature, and spiritual. To learn a lot. I know I won’t ever be perfect, but when the person comes along I will be hopefully in the right place as a person as will they.
Spiritually I am in a place I would not have seen at this time last year. My beliefs are still the same, just deeper. Richer. I am taking them more seriously. Studying as I can. I know many people in Oklahoma follow their Native American ancestral paths. For example I am Cherokee. A lot of people call following that Spiritual path that a form of Paganism. I chose to follow the deities of my Celtic Irish Ancestors. Which is also considered Paganism. When you think about it that way it sounds a lot less scary doesn’t it? We have festivals just like everyone else, Nature is extremely important to us, family, ancestors, our stories of past heroes, how the world was created. So yes, I am a Pagan. I don’t sacrifice animals, and the word witch is probably scary.. Witches knew the ways of healing and herbs, as many of us do now. 🙂 So I am taking that far more seriously. It is fulfilling and important to me.
I am seriously learning to read Tarot. They have been used over the years for everything from the mysticism of the spiritualist movement in the late 1800’s, to Psychology and helping with various archetype of the Psyche by one of the fathers of modern Psychiatric therapy, Carl Jung. They are a never ending puzzle to constantly learn, and I love it!
I think if you had told me at this time last year I would have been trying so hard to work on betterment of self I would never have believed them, as I consider a pixie haircut again. The imagery of no longer hiding behind long bangs not lost on me.
Other endeavors. Working with the nutritionist and becoming a vegetarian again, working with the exercise therapist at the Indian Clinic, Getting the paints out again, going for walks outside more. Finding crows to feed. Enjoying small pleasures. Laughing more.
So I sit here with my favorite Stash brand Chai tea, eating gluten free cinnamon bread, feeling pretty content as I listen to the Avalon album by Heather Dale.
If you’d told me I would have started being fascinated by Arthurian Legend like I was in High School I probably would’t have believed you either, although there would have been more of a chance since last year I did love the TV show, and I DO have a poster on my wall.
I suppose everything can’t be a surprise. Believe I have no problem with that.
Let’s see what 2015 brings.