In the fall of 2010 my life changed in so many ways. Oh so many. Walls torn down, the status quo of my life ashes on the floor as I attempted to build them back up. Build them I did.
As one person burned them down she made a statement, which I paraphrase.
“I can’t live with the intensity in which you live.”
I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. None. I figured my current problems at that time were an easy way to end a dying friendship, and I still think that is true to a certain point. There comes a time when a friendship sometimes just doesn’t work anymore, when you should walk away, and that one had long since left the bus station. We just refused to see it. Which often leaves an awful mess. Which it did. Leaving people hurt on all sides in it’s wake. Now, if I ever feel a relationship is suffering, needs tweaking, it’s time to move on, I say something. Sometimes the very act of saying something is all that was needed. Amanda Palmer’s Bed Song is a very good example of that. The “Why didn’t you say something?”
I digress slightly. Back to the whole intensity thing. Let’s define intensity with our dear friend, Merriam-Webster.
: the quality or state of being intense; especially : extreme degree of strength, force, energy, or feeling
: the magnitude of a quantity (as force or energy) per unit (as of area, charge, mass, or time)*
What started me thinking was this quote which my best friend had posted on her facebook wall.
“I am terrified of passive acquiescence. I live in intensity.” Virginia Woolf
That quote finally made me understand what the fuck my friend meant, because up to the very second I read that quote I had no idea what she was talking about. how does one live intensely? Why s that a negative? What does she mean? She never left the dialogue open. That I am not bothering going into. It was petty on both sides I suppose. Honestly? I don’t care. All I cared about was that one phrase. Everyone has moved on, lives are happy I hope, etc, but what does she mean?
Now I don’t claim to know much of anything about Virginia Wolf. I know she was a troubled individual. I have bipolar disorder which I guess one could say I suffer from. It certainly feels like it at times. In any case I pulled up a Wikipedia article on her. Apparently she too had what may have been BiPolar Disorder, and like all of us with a very busy mind, she was extremely creative.
She chose to love with intensity. Again I turn to Merriam-Webster
“To Acquiescent:tending to accept or allow what other people want or demand”
So basically, my former friend, who would claim to live in intensity were she asked, using a different word since apparently she can not keep up with such a thing, would prefer a person be Acquiescent. Sitting and allowing not only what she wanted, but what others want as well, never opening your mouth to say a word about it.
As I sit here thinking over the entire thing, I realize how true that was, and how the way I lived, and still live would not have been something she could handle. If a workplace treats it’s employees unfairly, I speak up. At the workplace, if a person is rude to me at a store I might say something. I laugh loudly, I can be crude. Yes I may want a picture of myself fondling pan’s balls at the museum. I really don’t think this falls under what Virginia Woolfe means and is probably more Carpe Diem professor Keating style, but you get my meaning.
We get one ;ife while we are here to live this one, and I am sure the hell going to enjoy it. I am not going to sit and arm chair politics and the rest of the time try to fit a status quo while talking about the old days.
Which I found myself close to doing.
So this quote, this intensity with which I live my life, it’s coming back slowly. I had, and have; a tons of healing to do. If you happen to see a girl wearing grey lipstick, with bright red hair, a cute pixie cut and a mischievous grin. That’s probably me. If you see my with a girl who looks ten times more mischievous…well…look out world. I’m with my true best friend, who knows what living with intensity really means.