What you give?

In this live what we give is supposed to reap certain rewards, either in this life, or the next. Depends on how you believe. You could believe you don’t reap spiritual rewards just satisfaction, and hat in and of itself honestly would be enough. Maybe not even satisfaction, I think the word in this case I would be looking for is peace. Forgetting all spiritual rewards of reincarnation of something good happening because you did a good thing because that is never why I do a good thing in the first place.

I do it because it is right. Period. Even if it costs me.

Earlier this year, around October, my beloved 2004 Suzuki Forenza Brego broke down. Something you need to understand before I go any further is a bit of backstory, in case you don’t know me.

I have a few chronic illnesses, one of them being vertigo. Driving would bring it on, and at the very least make it difficult to drive in a straight line. I knew my limitations and how far I could drive before the weird vision trigger warning would set in, telling me I might be getting ready to have an attack. I also take 6 medications that cause drowsiness. Yet doctors never tell you not to drive on them. Ever. Insane isn’t it? “Use caution while operating heavy machinery.” on every bottle. I’ve driven for years like that because doctors never said it was wrong, and I never thought my reflexes were that hindered.

Back to the vertigo. I had driven with it when it was so bad back when it started because I had t work, I had no choices, it was a train wreck. Eventually I didn’t drive that way anymore and ended up on disability for my plethora of health issues.

None of this is to get a whoa is me. What it is for is to point to why I made a decision. One pushed forward by my car breaking down.

I needed to stop driving. It was time. It was dangerous and I was going to end up hurting someone else or myself. I would never have gotten over hurting someone else just because of being too damn stubborn to do what was right. So I did what was right. I got pennies for my car and started taking the bus.

I like the bus. Since I disabled I get a 30 day pass at a good rate and I save a lot of money not having to worry about a car. It’s easy. I don’t have to have panic attacks while driving, I can relax and listen to my headphones. I really do enjoy it, as weird as that sounds.

What I did not really think about when I stopped driving was how much smaller my already small world would become.

You don’t make friends, keeping friends becomes almost impossible. You get invited places you can’t go because the bus doesn’t run that late. “Well take a cab, use Uber!” 20.00 both ways? Yeah, who can afford a 20.00 night out before even getting there, paying a cover, getting a soda, buying something you want. I don’t have that kind of money.

So you just stop trying to make friends. I was so optimistic about trying to this year. People don’t like giving people rides, it’s a pain in the ass. I get it because it is a pain in the ass, especially when it’s out of the way.

There are so many things I would like to do, places I want to go and I become so frustrated because all I wanted was to make sure people were safe. That no one got hurt because of my negligence. That’s what I really wanted, and it took even more of my life away.

I’m not sorry I stopped driving, I will never be sorry, because it was what was right, and if I have to not go to cons, if I have to sit at home while cool parties are happening, if I have to not meet people then that is the way it is. At least I am comfortable in the knowledge I did the right thing. I have my cats, I have movies and the internet, I have books, my family, my internet friends, my Best Friend who is a saint among Men and Women, if I have to live a life with just that knowing I didn’t hit a pedestrian then I will.

Most always doing what you should requires sacrifice. Most of my life I have found out it’s usually fairly large, fairly painful, but always peaceful.


About butterflyconfetti

I am a almost 40 year old from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I live here with my best friend, my cat Ruby Cadha and her cat Gabe. I consider myself a wanna be poet, an imaginary artist, a pretend photographer, and someone who might possibly have something to say about a little bit of everything. Sit back, enjoy the ride.

Posted on December 20, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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Baubles & Blessings

Handmade jewelry infused with love & Reiki!

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